In a bold and inevitable follow-up to Brexit, Nigel Farage has announced his next grand project: Wexit—the UK’s withdrawal from the Westminster system itself. Following his historic campaign to “take back control” from Brussels, Farage now seeks to take control away from Britain’s own Parliament, replacing it with what he describes as a Druid Council.
“It’s time to recognize the real custodians of Britain’s heritage,” Farage said, standing solemnly before a weathered oak tree. “For too long, we have been governed by career politicians who have no connection to the land, the people, or the deeper forces that shape this great country. With Wexit, we return to something more ancient, more authentic. A leadership rooted in British soil, with British ale flowing through its veins.”
The Druid Council: A Sacred Assembly of… Pub Mates
At the heart of Wexit is the Druid Council, a body of wisdom tasked with steering Britain into this new era. In a twist that critics might call surprising, but Farage insists is entirely logical, many of the Council’s members will be drawn from his longstanding circle of Morris-dancing friends from the local pub.
“These men are the embodiment of British tradition,” Farage explained without a hint of irony. “They understand what it means to be truly connected to this land. Some may scoff at the idea of Morris dancers holding power, but let me tell you—there’s nothing more British than a group of blokes who can dance with bells on their knees while holding a pint.”
The Druid Council will consist of 12 members, chosen for their dedication to both the ancient druidic practices and their weekly attendance at the King’s Head, Farage’s favourite pub. “These are men who not only know how to read the omens in the flight of birds but can also knock out a perfect hankie dance without spilling a drop of their ale. That’s the kind of balance this country needs right now.”
A Return to Sacred Governance (and Sacred Drinking)
Farage was quick to dispel any notion that this Council is a whimsical gathering of pub buddies with bells on their ankles. “Yes, they are Morris dancers, but they are also deeply in tune with the spiritual forces that guide our land,” he stated, his tone somber.
Farage outlined how his Morris-dancing colleagues are uniquely qualified for their new roles. The Council’s Deputy Archdruid, Terry “The Stag” Thompson, a regular at the King’s Head for over 25 years and a three-time winner of the Dorset Morris Championship, will oversee matters of defense and international relations. “Terry has led countless parades and won Morris dancing competitions across Europe. He understands ritual, precision, and leadership. If anyone can navigate Britain’s future foreign policy through complex handkerchief signals, it’s him,” Farage said, nodding gravely.
Meanwhile, Dave “The Badger” Evans, another senior member of the Council and captain of the pub darts team, will be responsible for economic affairs. “Badger has a remarkable instinct for numbers,” Farage explained. “He may have never worked in finance, but he’s managed the King’s Head quiz night funds for years without issue. He knows when the bar’s running low on crisps and can adjust the stock accordingly. That’s economic foresight.”
Governance Through Dance and Ritual
In keeping with Britain’s ancient traditions, the new Druid Council will make decisions not through tedious parliamentary debate, but through rituals and Morris dances, conducted in the sacred stone circles Farage has pledged to restore across the country.
Each session of the Council will open with a ceremonial Morris dance to establish the spiritual connection between the Council and the land. Decisions will then be made based on symbolic dance routines choreographed by the Council members. For example, economic policy will be debated through a series of intricate stick dances, while foreign affairs will be addressed through competitive jigging, with particularly difficult issues decided by who can leap the highest in their dance.
“It’s more efficient than Parliament,” Farage explained. “Plus, it’s much harder to talk nonsense when you’re busy concentrating on keeping your bells in sync. There’s no filibustering when you’re Morris dancing—only clarity of purpose.”
Restoring Order: Pub as the Political Hub
One of the cornerstones of Wexit will be the recognition of the British pub as a political and spiritual hub. The Druid Council will not convene in Westminster or any traditional seat of government, but in Farage’s local pub. “The pub is where real conversations happen, where real decisions are made,” Farage said. “If we’re going to govern this country properly, we need to be among the people, pint in hand, feeling the pulse of the nation.”
Farage’s pub, the King’s Head, will serve as the official seat of the Druid Council. The jukebox will be replaced with a ceremonial harp, and the dartboard will be repurposed for the casting of runes, a key part of decision-making under Prexit.
“The Council’s decision-making will be a blend of spiritual reflection and good, honest pub wisdom,” Farage said. “Some policies will be guided by the alignment of the stars, others by the result of a best-of-three darts tournament between Terry and Badger. It’s a system that balances ancient tradition with common sense.”
National Unity Through Dance
Farage envisions Wexit as not only a political transformation but a cultural revival. Morris dancing, long relegated to village fetes and rural fairs, will become a central part of national life. “Every village, town, and city will have its own Morris dancing troupe,” Farage announced. “We will establish a national Morris Dancing League, where teams can compete to bring pride to their regions. The winning team will have the honor of performing at Council sessions.”
This, he claims, will restore true national unity, in a way that no parliamentary debate ever could. “When the people see their leaders not just talking but dancing for their future, they will feel connected to the governance of this nation in a way they’ve never experienced before. You can’t help but be moved by a perfectly executed side-step hop with bells.”
The Future of Britain: A Land Reborn
As Farage concluded his announcement, he emphasized that Wexit is more than just a political project; it is a spiritual awakening. “We’re returning to our roots,” he said, with all the sincerity of a man who has thought long and hard about the wisdom found in pubs and ancient stone circles alike. “Brexit was about regaining control from Brussels. Wexit is about restoring our connection to the land, to tradition, and to each other.”
As the first official Druid Council meeting approaches, the nation waits with a mix of curiosity and bewilderment. Will Britain’s future truly be shaped by the jingling steps of Farage’s Morris-dancing brethren, or will this be the most spectacularly choreographed pub crawl in British history?
Either way, one thing is certain: the bells of Britain are about to ring out once more.